


Apathy

by Papyarus



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Broken Bones, Family, Gen, Scars, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-22
Updated: 2016-05-22
Packaged: 2018-06-10 02:18:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6934039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Papyarus/pseuds/Papyarus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Apathy is a cushion, a lifeline. If you don't let yourself care about anything, then nothing can hurt you again.</p>
<p>Apathy is a weapon, double-edged and cruel. Once you let yourself care again, everything hurts twicefold.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Apathy

**Author's Note:**

> Related to two of my other fics, "Fractured" and "Shared Secrets", in that all three of these involve Papyrus self harming and how those closest to him found out. Not necessary to read the other two, though.
> 
> Disclaimer, since this fandom makes it rather necessary to warn for this: this is not fontcest by any stretch of the imagination.

Sans was never good at confrontation.

Sans wasn't good at much, if he was being honest. Sleeping, maybe. Fucking up. 

He was earning a gold medal in that one, lately. Goddamn olympics in Snowdin. Main event? Fucking up. Fucking up his sleep schedule, fucking up his eating habits, fucking up his life, and God knows fucking up his brother’s life.

Sans loved Papyrus, of course he did, but it was hard, sometimes. Not to love him- never that- but to put in the effort. Love was easiest to handle when it was casual. 

But if you love someone, when you realize something’s wrong with them, you’re supposed to fix it. And that never came easy for Sans. Even if he tried, it’d all go back to hell anyway, the next time the resets came. 

Sans should've asked. Pressed further, saw the signs, fucking helped him, or told their parents to watch out, something’s up, you got two emotional wrecks for the price of one when you adopted us! 

But it was so much easier to believe a lie. To look up from the dining room table and see his little brother with a massive crack in his skull, and actually believe it when he said, no Sans, it’s a training accident from Undyne, magic went a bit haywire, I don’t know how you didn’t see it last night when I came in,

It was easy. It was cowardly. It was pathetic, to ignore the signs, because staying quiet was easier, questioning was difficult and whatever progress he made, whatever he found out would get reset and they’d start the whole fucking charade again.

Maybe he fell down the stairs and is too embarrassed to tell you. Maybe he tripped on a log, summoned a bone wrong and hit himself in the face, and if you question him he’ll just get upset with himself. Stay quiet, it’s easier. 

But it kept building up. *that mark still hasn’t healed, bro * Sans muttered, and realized that no, it was a NEW one, and Papyrus started, almost terrified at the comment. 

Puns covered up the worry, smoothed down the fear, and there really was NOTHING to worry about, after all. Training accidents. 

Sans tried so fucking hard to pretend everything was fine, that he started believing it himself. 

The whole facade fell to pieces one night, and only because Sans came home too early. Grillby had run out of ketchup, earlier, and the new shipment was late. Sans took it as a cosmic sign he should leave.

Hell, maybe it was.

Sans’ only real plan for the night was to curl up on the least disgusting corner of his bed and pass out for a few hours. That plan quickly went to shit as, while passing Papyrus’ door, Sans heard… something.

He froze, eyelights blinking out for a moment. An old memory resurfaced, flickering like a flame. It snuffed out in an instant, leaving him with nothing but a sense of displacement and long lost rage.

Sans focused, eyes gleaming. That was… definitely crying. Muffled, restrained, and choked but crying nonetheless. 

Why was Papyrus crying?

Sans knocked, once, and heard his brother abruptly go silent behind the door. *bro? you ok? * he asked, trying to hide his unease.

“I’M… I-I’M FINE, BR-BROTHER. DON’T… DON’T WORRY.”

Nope. No. Not a good answer. Especially since Papyrus still sounded heavily choked up. 

*pap, please, i... i’m coming in- *

Immediately Papyrus’ voice turned panicked. “NO!!! NO, NO, NO, IT’S OK, I’M- D-DON’T!!”

Sans stopped, hand on the doorknob. Usually, he would listen to his brother- invading Papyrus’ privacy was not high on Sans’ list of “things he enjoyed doing”. But he had a feeling, deep in his bones, that something was wrong. That something had been wrong for a long time, festering and he had been ignoring it, letting it go on and on. 

Not anymore. Not again.

But… 

*bro. i… hey. i just want to know what’s wrong, ok? i-i don’t know what’s happening, but if you’re hurt, i- i’m not gonna be mad or anything, i’m not, i’m just really worried. *

Silence. Sans wondered if Papyrus was ignoring him, until finally, he heard him- his voice shaky and way too quiet. “Come in.”

Sans knew what he would find behind the door. He had known when he heard his brother’s sobs. If he was being honest, deep down he had known, buried under layers of denial, from the instant he first saw a crack in his brother’s skull. 

That knowledge didn’t make it any better when he finally turned the doorknob and saw his little brother with a hole in his head.

Papyrus sat crosslegged on the bed, hugging his arms, looking thoroughly ashamed with himself. The worst of the damage seemed to be on the left temple. That is, where it had been- it now seemed to litter the floor in the form of skull chips. 

Wordlessly, Sans approached the bed, taking care not to step on the tiny pieces of his brother. Papyrus rubbed his upper humerus, shivering, trying to calm his rising panic. Tears still glinted in his eyesockets, their past tracks darkening his skull.

Sans hopped onto the bed, sitting across from his brother. He wasn’t sure what his expression was- worried? Angry? Scared? Or was he expressionless, emotionless, numb to even this?

He didn’t think so. Sans didn’t think he could ever really be numb to this, of all fucking things.

But who knows. He’d certainly been pretty callous, ignoring his brother’s pain because it was easy.

God, he was such a coward.

*i’m sorry. *

Papyrus blinked, eyesockets creasing in hazy confusion. “What- why are you sorry? I’m the one who…” He pointed, once, at the gaping hole in his skull, looking down. 

Sans wasn’t much of a crier, but he could feel the pressure of impending tears in his skull. He forced them back, shifting closer to his brother. *because i- fuck, paps, i let you deal with this alone, i- *

“Sans. My… my problems aren’t your fault, brother.” Papyrus was rarely a soft spoken monster, but he came close, now. That, if nothing else, sent Sans over the edge- Papyrus was still trembling, he still had tiny pieces of his own skull in his finger joints, but the bastard was trying to soothe him?

If Papyrus was rarely quiet, then the opposite was true of Sans.

*paps- FUCK, PAPS, I’M JUST… * Sans paused, realizing Papyrus had shrunk back, further away. No. Yelling would make this worse. So much worse. Even if he was only yelling at himself. 

*... i wish i knew sooner. i don't want you to deal with any of this alone. i never wanted you to feel like this and I'm so, so fucking sorry I didn't do anything to help, i… *

Papyrus was crying, again. 

Sans mumbled an apology, inching closer to his brother. Papyrus latched on, clinging like a terrified animal, hugging tightly. Sans felt his jacket’s shoulder grow drenched with tears and rubbed Papyrus’ back in a way he hoped was soothing. 

“I d-don't- I didn't want you to know, i didn't want anyone to know I'm too f-fucking screwed up to keep, myself together, I'm not strong- I, I'm not brave, S-Sans, I'm just a f-fucking wreck-” Papyrus’ words slurred together in a mixture of choking sobs, and Sans held tighter, whispering soothing noises. 

“I don't… I don't want to d-die.”

*you won't. *

“But I don't want to be ALIVE, either.”

Sans wasn't sure how long they sat there, Papyrus pouring his soul out, Sans trying to keep his broken sibling together. Long enough for the shattered pieces of Papyrus on the floor to fade into dust.

Once Papyrus had a grip of himself, again, he began healing- green magic encircling the shattered chunk of his skull. After a few minutes, most of it had reassembled- with massive, ugly cracks remaining. Scars.

“They hurt to touch. For now, at least.” Papyrus said, his voice raw but stable. “In a few weeks, they'd be barely noticeable. But in a few weeks, I’ll have already cracked myself open again.”

Papyrus laugh was brittle and hollow, and Sans couldn't help but think it fit him, then. 

“I use. Powder, makeup, to cover up the cracks, usually. So no one points them out. So you don't get suspicious. I guess that's a lost cause, nyehheh.” 

*so… In the future, if this happens again, you’ll tell me? *

“When. When it happens again.” Papyrus looked away, rubbing at the sore cracks. “I know you don't want to think that, but I don't… I can’t.”

*will you try? *

“I always do. I'm not good enough, Sans. I can't stop myself.” 

*its ok. *

“It's not.”

*it’s ok, and i’ll help you if it happens again. and no matter what happens, i love you, pap. *

Papyrus looked torn, for a moment. Sans leaned up, clinking his skull affectionately against his brother’s- as gently as possible. Papyrus huffed, nuzzling into Sans’ collarbone, hugging him tighter. 

“... Thank you.”

\--

Finding out, confronting and comforting Papyrus, dealing with the next several weeks of awkwardness and honesty, that was difficult enough. But the hardest part came the next time Sans woke with a hole in his memory and a shortness of breath. His breastbone ached with a future scar. 

Reset. Sans wondered, morbidly, if Papyrus had been relieved to die. He hoped not. That honor should be reserved for Sans alone. 

Sans entered the kitchen. Papyrus greeted him warmly, as always. Sans eyed his skull. Papyrus had done his best, but one or two cracks remained visible under the powder covering. 

*hey, pap. *

“YES, BROTHER?” 

He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t deal with this again. Stop now, make up a shitty pun, pretend everything’s fine again, rinse and repeat the next reset, and the next.

*... how’s your skull? *

No.

“MY… WHAT?”

Sans had to do this.

*are you… does it hurt, right now? *

“IS- IS THIS A SETUP FOR ANOTHER OF YOUR JOKES?”

It would hurt anew, to deal with the panic, the self loathing, and the melancholy, that all came along with the truth, and know it’d all happen again the next time. But it had to happen. Sans refused to do this again, to ignore his brother’s misery for his own selfish reasoning.

Goddamnit, he may be a fuckup, but Sans refused to sit by now, reset after reset, knowing his brother was suffering and why. Not anymore.

Not anymore.

Sans tapped once, at Papyrus’ skull, at the hidden cracks. 

And the facade fell apart once more.

**Author's Note:**

> This took wayyyy longer than it should've, mostly because I kept only working on it like, once every couple weeks. Each time at around one or two AM.  
> I'm not used to writing from Sans' POV- I usually only write from Papyrus' view. Here's hoping I did him justice.


End file.
